Somedays

 Somedays I feel like "Am i difficult to love?"

Like last night.

When after making dinner instead of thanks i get criticism.

When I sat at a seat i don't usual sit at and my father chooses to sit close to my youngest sister rather than his usual sit just because i was at her usual seat.

Somedays it doesnt bother me that my parents have favourites.

And somedays i just wonder if its because i am not loveable.

A somedays i wonder if this is why no one ever wishes to stay by my side longer.

Somedays i cry. Somedays i smile.

Somedays i wish i returned to You sooner.

Never Enough

I am never good enough but i forget that sometimes.

Not good because i say harsh things.

Not good because i say nice things.

Not good because i did not do things.

Not good even if i did do things.

Oh how is it that we can know someone for our whole lives and still not know a person truly.

Funny how I am still not over this part of my life. Probably won't get over it even till the day that i die. 

Here is praying on that day i may finally rest. 

Bad Guy

 I never liked being the bad guy. But that is who I'm slowly becoming. 

And it's difficult to love becoming someone you hate. 

The broken spine of a large tree,

Once shaded the green grass,

Now the bird has flown free,

but the nest is all that's left. 

Annoyance

 Bismillah

Dah lama tak buat rant post. 

Time & How much I miss writing

Bismillah,

Recently I keep having this itch to start writing. Yesterday I had an idea to write up a story about how much my staff hate the work environment in office to the point they even came up with a list! I kind of have a tiny bit of pity for the new boss who everyone is backbiting...
So with this itch for writing I started to go through my old blog posts. My old blog had 200 posts in a year! That's 'almost' 1 post a day.

I still do a little bit of writing now and then although MUCH MUCH less than before. Sometimes I get ideas in the middle of walking or driving. You can imagine my pain when I can't write down the words in those moments.

Here's a lil something I managed to quickly jot down during those moments:

Where is my blossoming wild flower,
Are you overwhelmed by the ruggedness of the wilderness,
Were you cut off by the city gardeners,
Did longing hands take you away,
Will I never see you for one more day?

- inspired by the wild purple flowers I use to see during my morning drive to work. I sometimes itch to just stop by the roadside to dig the plant out and bring them home. But of course I never did.

Another one:

A writer, writes for words to be read,
A singer, sings for voice to be heard,
I count the days, months, profit, loss and wonder,
If writer writes and singers sing, then must I continue to count?

- random ramblings that don't rhyme whatsoever.

I miss my best friend writing as well but yeah.... she didn't update anything for AGES! I must move on and accept this. hahaha

~Alhamdulillah

ps. Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it. - Anon

Budi dibalas budi

Bismillah

This is not a happy post. I'm just ranting here.

Maybe I shouldn't even be nice to people like this in the first place.

Alhamdulillah today I feel like crap.

Why do I sleep so much?

Bismillah

I usually sleep a lot... No doubt about it. My friends are also amazed at my ability to sleep almost anywhere and also baffled by how I can get sick with just 1 day of less sleep.

I'm perplexed and annoyed with myself about this. Why do I sleep so much? I ask this everyday. Why can't I stay awake longer? Why can't I use my time when I am awake much more prudently? Why do I waste time?

My sis has been sending me fact posts on IG saying it might be because of depression. I don't have depression. Perfectly fine with my life. I am just so VERY TIRED everyday.

just living is tiring. I am amazed at people who live like they are on full throttle everyday. Damn you lucky extroverts. If you were batteries and could transfer your energy to me takpa juga. Unfortunately extroverts GAIN energy from being around others whereas Intoverts need to generate our own geddem energy everyday.

My 8 hours of sleep are necessary! But so is reading manga and playing game to make me happy and so is ibadah to make my heart full and so is family time and so is working for halal income.... 24 hours is a cruel number. I want to hate you, but then you are a rezeki from Allah. I should be thankful for every 24 hours.... Sigh.


Ok. rant over. I need my nap.

~alhamdulillah

Too good & too naive

Bismillah

Wow. It has been long. Well today is just a short rant. People often label me as naive or show off goody two shoes.

I don't mind people calling me naive. Makes it easier for me to manipulate them when they underestimate me but it really hurts when you do good and they say mean things to you.

Perhaps my niat was wrong hence why this happens. Astagfirullah. I will fix my niat again to do good for Him and not for people.
People will always have hasad dengki aka envy in their hearts.
I know i don't seem to have a troubled life but that doesn't mean i don't get hurt when people push me down when i am trying hard.

Which reminds me of a line my old bestfriend once said "you think you are so special."

Well, at least i knew then how you felt about me.

-end-

My life in 2014

Bismillah,

Let's just say that 2014 sucked for many people.

My life... Is not in order... As I hoped.

Bismillah,

One day you feel determination and hope.
The next you feel useless and helpless.

My body, mind and heart are not as cooperative as I have hoped. I blame nafsu for this. It's always up to no good whenever the other three try to work things out.

I've been procrastinating and have not studied anything. My exams are in december. Lord help me...

Alhamdulillah (at least my work life is not so messed up as my student life).

p.s. to top it off, I have lost count the number of times I dropped my phone.... I fear for its life...

Saying NO

Bismillah

If there is one thing that still perplexes me it is a person who does not comprehend the word 'NO'.

Hey, you selfish ingrate. NO does not mean maybe. NO does not mean "I'm playing hard to get. Ask me again and again till I say yes."
NO means NO.

It's not that hard to comprehend. It's not a mathematical equation.

Alhamdulillah.

Heartache

My heart is world weary. Im tired. People expect things from me. I cant runaway.

Stress and jobs

Bismillah-
Tension. Thats all i feel this couple of days. Wake up work, eat while working, rest an hour, go pasar, rush here and there.
I thought that it couldn't get worse. I thought my plans won't be disrupted.
My boss just told us 'to bear it'.
Sure she said, 'company will reward' but it doesn't make a difference because this so-called reward is not written on paper nor is it a done deal. In short they want us to work our ass to save cost and will decide later on whether we 'perform well'. Frankly i don't understand how they assess our work. While i get thrown here n there n im in charge of new tasks it took me 6 months to get confirmation. A new guy who just assists other seniors only took 3 months and his salary same as mine. Did he perform a miracle or something??
Maybe all this 'bear it' is getting on my nerves. Because despite taking in what they throw at me they don't even let me listen to music.
Im complaining about the most mundane things now. I think my patience snapped somewhere between the office and the wet market.
My head has been hurting for 3 days. Just great.
-Alhamdulillah

Slavery

Bismillah-
Whenever i assume any responsibility whether at work or with friends they assume I am not human nor do i deserve respect enough for 'them' to say please. It hurts me and they don't even know it. More than anything their treatment makes me feel less of a respectable human and more of a slave.
Worse still is there isn't a thank you. People expect it of me and i see myself like a slave.

- alhamdulillah

Im a lousy cook

Today i tried to cook dinner again bt lately everything i cook taste like crap. Today i tried butter prawns bt i made the mistake of frying the prawns in one go and they turned up oily. The crispy egg stuff was also ruined coz i did nt stir fast enough and that the heat was to high. The curry i tried to make end up being too sour because i used too much asam jawa. I ended up being angry with my self and escaped to the mini fridge to drown my disappointment with bliss (yogurt drink). I suck at cooking. Sigh....

Usrah and other work

Bismillah

I finally have the courage (and reason) to start up a small usrah group in the office! Alhamdulillah! Ramadhan has given me a chance I've been looking for to gather interested people to start an usrah group. I hope this group will last even after Ramadhan insyaAllah.

This week has been utter chaos (at least in my mind). I had to rush to finalise May'13 account (which I've not yet completed), attend tax training yesterday in ABX, conduct usrah, AND finish up my expense analysis (which I have not completed). I took 2 days annual leave next week but I think I'll still need to drop by the office to finish up my work. My holiday is ruined (partly).

To top it all of, I owed my aunt some rambutan. Since the ones I harvested last week finished I had to climb again. I climbed the tree right after waking up. I slipped once and hit my knee on a nearby branch to avoid tumbling down and one branch I was holding on to broke and i fell on the ground (thankfully I was already near the ground at that time).

Instead of doing all of my work (chores and office work) I've decided that I need some leisure break. Game time.

Alhamdulillah I did not fall from the tree.

Emo

Bismillah

I woke up late. Head downstairs for breakfast and started the day with ironing and laundry. My mum came home and started scolding me for not putting the fish in the fridge (which she told me to do just 10 minutes ago) and for not throwing a pineapple juice box after scolding me the night before.

I was seriously hurt due to a few things.
1. She told me to put the fish in the fridge while i was ironing. I thought of doing it after I've ironed my dad's clothes and she scold me before I was done ironing. I was seriously going to do it but I didn't bother explaining to her coz she would say "Do it when I tell you to."
2. She scold me for not throwing the pineapple juice box when last night she was holding the box I assume she was going to throw it. Which she didn't and neither did she say "I'm scolding you so you need to throw this away."
3. She said "tak faham bahasa ka?" and said I was unreliable. After making a decision to work from home instead of following others who worked in KL and choosing to return home to help my parents hearing these words just took a toll on me.

I was just so frustrated and tears just flowed out. I cried (A LOT) and just went to sleep crying. Thoughts like "I wish I'm dead" or "I wish I can just leave this house" started to turn in my head. I kept saying istigfar to stop these dark thoughts. I just went to sleep to make them stop.

After 6 hours of sleep I woke up and cried again. I couldn't take it anymore so I picked up the Quran. MashaAllah just 2 pages and I felt better. The first verse made me cry.

"And whatever thing you [people] have been given - it is [only for] the enjoyment of worldly life and its adornment. And what is with Allah is better and more lasting; so will you not use reason?" - surah al-Qasas 28:60

Somehow the experience made me feel that I was just too detached from the Quran lately. This Ramadhan i hope to get closer to the Quran. :)  InsyaAllah.

Alhamdulillah

Fights, Money, Ah! Life!

Bismillah

I used money... A LOT! Apparently people won't believe I'm broke.
My kakak is quitting because apparently her org kampung heard some bad rumours and are now forcing her to go home.

I'm doomed. My mum is stressed.

But that is life and this is yet another hurdle to jump over (not that I've been good at jumping hurdles).

Allah the Almighty, lend me Your strength. I can't do this without you. My parents can't do this without you.

Lend me the strength to be their strength.

Lend me the strength to be your faithful servant.

Lend me the strength to live this life you have given me.

I really need You most.

Ameen.

Alhamdulillah.

p.s. I really can't find the energy to explain. Except that I hope people around me would understand a little about what is going on with me at the moment. Pray that I have strength. Life is getting more tiresome everyday.

Fatter

Bismillah

I've gained weight. The horror! It's probably due to the lack of exercise and the fact that I live with my parents. Oh the good food.

Been becoming lazier lately. HAppy CNY everyone.

Alhamdulillah

p.s. Probably because it's the year of the snake so I'm taking life easy. Not good. 

The Great Expectation

Bismillah

I can understand the love of a friend, when you are not there they do not question and when you are they are just happy to see you. 

*sigh. Can't deal with people's expectations from me and probably that's why i get so anti-social. 

I'm not saying that I don't have any expectations from people but at least mine ain't that many.
From my friends there are only 3 things I ask from them:
1. To respond to my words.
2. To respond honestly.
3. To forgive my stupidity.

Can't you ask the same from me? Must you burden me so?

Alhamdulillah

p.s missing my huckleberry friend and moon bathing.