You only talk to me about Stars

You only talk to me of stars,

Not the dark forest or chilly winds.

Nor the moon and its white light.

If i no longer talk about stars,

Will you cease to talk to me too?

In life we often meet and bond with people over similar interests, similar environments and similar genders in some cases.

Like my gaming friends who only seem to chat me up if its about games. Or when i open a topic and they feel uninterested to continue the conversation.

Often times i find myself lonely in those moments. Whereas i would try to enjoy their interests and be happy for them but i feel alone in my own world.

You talk to me about the stars but seem to lose interest in me when i talk about the moon. Of its dark side, its seemingly beautiful light in the darkness, not cold but like a warm guide in those dark moments, of the untold stories behind her surface, the strength in her gravity.

You talk to me about stars, but when i no longer speak about stars will you cease to speak to me too?

note: just some ramblings about losing contact with people who you thought distance would not seperate. but it did.

Blue and Grey

 Bismillah

This song "Blue and Grey" by BTS conveys my sad state so perfectly. Sometimes to the point that even just playing it on loop seems to spiral me deeper into a state of sadness. The English version suits me more to be honest. Here's the English demo:

Where is my angel?
I’m sick and tired of everything
Someone come and save myself
‘Cause I can’t take it anymore
Everywhere I go, everywhere I see
Can you look at me? 'Cause I’m blue and grey
Every time I cry, every time I smile
Can you look at me? 'Cause I’m blue and grey
I just wanna be happier
Baby don’t you let me go
I feel tired in the winter sky
I wish I could be stronger.

I held her. I was fine.

Lost and confused it all began,
I saw her pain, i held her hand,
Her guilt it weighed on forever,
My pain and hers mesh together.

The monster continues to haunt her dreams,
Her world has shattered and broke at all her seams,
She puts on her mask and became strong,
How many of them must monsters breakdown?

I just read the most heart breaking account of sexual assault. No one should have to go through what she did.

We are with you too dear lady.

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jun/06/stanford-sexual-assault-case-victim-impact-statement-in-full

Cleaning room

Sometimes when i clean my room i get sweaty and grimy and i hate the feeling.

Then after the task is done and i get a good long bathe everything seems refreshed and new.

There is new energy. New beginnings and endless possibilities.

Life is like cleaning my room. When it gets messy you just gotta get down and messy with it. Clear off the junks and dust. Then get a good break and look over your achievements. Pat yourself and tell yourself well done.

Then next week the dust piles again.

Baffled

Bismillah

My phone is in the phone clinic (probably due to my abuse). It's kind of liberating not being obsessively glued to my handphone screen.

Anyways.... Back to the reason for this post.

Time & Space (Saturday Ramblings)

Bismillah,

Everyone knows how precious time is to a person. We are living on a contract that will one day end. Yet how many of us DEMAND the time from other people as if it is a given privilege. Often we hear the phrase "If it matters you will make time for it."
Sure we make time for those things and people who matter to us but do we appreciate the time those people sacrifice for us as well?
How about a new phrase to live by, "If time was given for you, rejoice and be thankful."
Everyone has their own way of life and their own way of living the little time that they have. Should we DEMAND they give up their time for us? Should we WHINE when time is not given to us? Must we always bring up GUILT and make them guilty by re-using the question "Don't I matter to you?"

Think about it

Bismillah

I'm actually nursing a fever right now but I'd like to share some two points that has been brought up by a friend; Honesty and Aspirations (click to read his posts on both topics).

Simplify

Bismillah-
In Islam we are graced with the greatest role model of mandkind, our Prophet Rasulullah s.a.w. and throughout his life there is one aspect that most Malaysian Muslims preach but rarely apply. That is modesty. Many including myself fall for our nafsu. Whether it comes to eating, shopping, entertainment or luxury. I'd hate to see Malaysia become like Middle East or India where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. People go crazy throwing their money to show off their wealth and some resort to loans to do it. As a reminder to myself i will try my hardest to refrain from shopping for clothes, shoes or bags. I already have enough of it as it is. There is no need to catch the trend bcoz it always changes. My mum just gt her bag stolen yesterday and if we must see this in a positive light, i will see it as a reminder to myself how fragile is our sense of security. Be it money or safety, both can be taken without notice. If we cling on them so desperately it will only make it more difficult when they r taken.
That said, for my trip to kl i will have to be more cautious with my spending. May i be more vigilant and disciplined.

-Alhamdulillah

History Relevance

Bismillah -

Going to talk about surah al kahfi for my first attempt of usrah in my office. Hope all goes well.
Well today i wasn't fasting and after a few chants of 'soup! Soup! Soup!' by a couple of gals in the office a few of us went to have lunch at this javanese restaurant. As usual soto in sabah is just delicious! Especially the sambal.
The conversation focused on the topic of the relevance of learning history. I commented how it was funny that the smartest kid in my highschool and university class found that history was boring and irrelevant to them. Despite history being a reading subject i find that the importance of history is not found in your grades but how you take the lessons from history to be better people. It is true then when people say that while smart people may look down on history, wise people learn from them.
My highschool teacher thought me that history is best learnt out if class. Like going to museums or catching historical movies.
The historical war site in penang really made me understand how bad it was during the japanese occupation more than any words could ever explain.
I guess in order for students to appreciate history they must first stop valuing it through their exam grades but instead look out in the world and see how mankinds history has shaped us today.
Other things i find fascinating about history is how like any story there are different perspectives and views. Accepting this reality, not only teaches you that knowledge and facts are not restricted by one thought but also teaches you to see things from different angles.
Stop thinking history is irrelevant. Learning should make you more humble not more arrogant.

- alhamdulillah

Touchy subject

Bismillah

Ever wondered why Muslim's feel so touchy about religious topics said by non-Muslims? Why is it that I feel like being poked by pins and needles when I read Pamuk's White Castle?
My mind tells me, "He's just writing objectively."
My heart tells me, "Why is he writing about Islam in such a manner?"

Perhaps because Islam is part of a Muslim that when you talk about the religion, it is as if you are talking about the person him/herself. I feel that it might be the case with me at least.

Like if someone pointed out I'm short or made fun of the way I look, it's that sort of feeling.

Alhamdulillah.

All negatives... and I'm not talking about photography.

Bismillah

The days have rolled on-wards with me being constantly fed with negative energy. Perhaps this is my Lord's test to see how long my positive attitude will last. I'm happy to say that at least for this moment nothing can waver my faith in His promise. I'm sure there are many others out there less fortunate then I. So what have I got to complain about?

Sure business isn't booming. Sure the pays not much. Sure it's hard getting a job. Sure exams are tough.

But you know what? We are alive. We are blessed with a wonderful family. We have all our limbs working perfectly fine. We are of sound mind. We have people who care for us. We have a home. We have land. We have food. We have shelter and warmth.

We don't have wars. We don't have disease. We are not disabled. We don't have natural disasters. We don't have to suffer the cold winter solstice. We are not dead.

There are perhaps many other things we want. Everyone wants security but then life isn't always a secure safe place. Things happen and the world changes. It's a matter of will you change with the world or will you sit, complain and mope about how things used to be.

I'm moving on and I'll take the people I love with me. Even if I have to nag them into practical optimism.

Alhamdulillah

Balloon problems

Bismillah

Atrocities of man, they said;
When twelve were wounded, and 20 were dead;
But in a land, a few miles away,
200 is just a number, casualties they said.

The foods' not good, take it away,
bring me a burger and steak any day,
But in a country, not so faraway,
A scrap of meal, gets them through the day.

When basics are met, greed comes silent,
Needs are satisfied, but wants grows undaunted,
But in a place, where basics are not met,
A helping hand is badly wanted.


- Sometimes we just got to keep on moving onwards.

Alhamdulillah

The Great Expectation

Bismillah

I can understand the love of a friend, when you are not there they do not question and when you are they are just happy to see you. 

*sigh. Can't deal with people's expectations from me and probably that's why i get so anti-social. 

I'm not saying that I don't have any expectations from people but at least mine ain't that many.
From my friends there are only 3 things I ask from them:
1. To respond to my words.
2. To respond honestly.
3. To forgive my stupidity.

Can't you ask the same from me? Must you burden me so?

Alhamdulillah

p.s missing my huckleberry friend and moon bathing.

On doing things you don't like

Bismillah

Read something awesome from another blog. I just HAD to re-post it here. Original words from HERE.

"sometimes, we don't always get to do what we want. sometimes, we have to do what we can. it may be painful for a while, not getting or doing what we want, but somewhere along the line, we'll understand why we're not meant to get what we want, instead we get or do what we can. but, even so, doing something we can, that is relatively close to what we want, will somehow ease the unsatisfied feeling we have."

I totally agree with this. We can't get everything we want in life. It's a fact. No matter how rich or how clever you are, there's always something that you can't get. I see it as God's way of teaching us one thing: Humility.
I have lots of friends telling me about what they want and can't get. Truth is why not make the best of the situation? You're already stuck in it. So make a ball out of it. Enjoy what you are doing and cherish what you have.  Life's a game and we all want to win. ;)

Once your mind keeps wallowing in self pity about all the things you lack, you'll really be blind to the things you already have. When you're stuck doing something you don't like see it not as a chore but a step to be taken to getting the things you want. Even if you don't get what you want, it'll make doing the things you don't like so much more bearable and fun.

Ok. That's all for my zen-mode chatter.

Alhamdulillah 

Ibadah Levels

Bismillah

Oh my. The few weeks I've been here I do realise how much I've fallen behind in my ibadah and I do realise that I should do something about it but... but... but.... T____T

It's so much easier to fall to your own desires then to fight other things because your desires are something that you feel good doing it. It's easy to get mad or frustrated or fight against something you don't like. You could throw things at it, punch it, kick it.... heck take a gun and shoot it but something that makes you feel good you're bound to want to do it despite knowing how bad it is for you.

I sleep too much, eat too much, waste time too much and a whole lot of other failings. God I just wish it was easier to fight against myself.

But.... there is no use complaining about it and not doing anything. Maybe I won't be successful this time but even though I feel like I can't forgive myself, Allah S.W.T. is Oft Most Forgiving and if I fail today, I'll try to be better still. Sometimes in life I wish I could just sleep forever (I'm not suicidal mind you) and I ask God why must I live tomorrow just to do more sins towards Him. However I know that He lets us live tomorrow to give us hope to be better and I'll hold on to this hope He has given and repent.

InsyaAllah all will be well. Have faith.

Alhamdulillah

My rainbow road

Bismillah
So I was reading a post from a friend of a friend and I thought I'd post one too (with a little bit of difference).


The original post was about alternative life plans that would or could have happened if you took a different course in life. For my post I'd rather look forward so I'll be posting about my current life options (I have so many that I'd practically would love to do all of them). So I'll arrange them according to the most likely (and short term dreams) to the most unlikely (or long term dreams). 


Here we go:

Feel Good Bragging

Bismillah

I don't know why some people do it but I'm going to TRY see it in a nice way. Maybe they are just too self-conscious. Maybe they are just not confident about themselves or maybe they just want to reassure themselves.

Some people love it when other people compliment them. When people compliment me I feel neutral about it because how people view me isn't necessarily the real me. When people compliment me I just take it and then I analyze myself (I'm pretty sure I know myself better than others ever would). How people view you is just the side of you when dealing with society. It doesn't explain who you are when no one is watching.

Do not brag about the compliments you have received. I don't like people who brag about their good qualities. It just seems like self marketing. Seriously stop it.

Alhamdulillah


p.s. The one thing I'm worried about right now is that I'm a hypocrite and I wish I'd just stop being one. 

Losing self; Life and Excuses

Bismillah

Lately I've been neglecting the Quran. I don't know how many times I told myself I'll pick it up and read. I'll make sure I will read it today. Al-Kahf! I need to read it with nana as well. Sigh.
Even my prayers are not as good as they felt before. Something's probably wrong with me. Going home feeling tired isn't good at all. I can't seem to enjoy my Solah more. Maybe I should take showers before solah to freshen up. Any suggestions?
I'm still affected by the 'Sabah time'. Here 10pm feels like midnight and 4:30am is already Subuh!
I've been here for a month and I'm still not adjusting well to this time schedule. If I sleep after 10pm it'll be impossible for me to wake up for Qiam (which is almost every night). I only could do tahajjud the last time I tried. After that I kind of just crawled back into bed.

I'm selfish, but I love you

Bismillah

I probably don't know quite what to say
or what I should do
but what I do know is that I love you
so please love me too.

I close my eyes,
I feel you close,
those hands I can't see
but your warmth seeps in me.

The words you left behind,
transcends all time,
with meanings so clear,
at times I can't control these tears.

I'm still so young,
my mind that wanders everywhere,
but your patience never wavering,
keep me close in your care.

You keep watch over all I do,
I'm not sure of my time in this place,
But I'm reassured that a time will come,
I'll return to your embrace.

Alhamdulillah

p.s. I'm a hypocrite and I feel awful when I lie to myself. It's just so hard to fight your self. The selfish side keeps winning these days. Lord help me.

An article to be proud of

Bismillah

A friend asked me, "What article in my blog would you say was my best work?"
Frankly I can't answer that question without being biased. I'm her friend after all. I love all her posts (even the most mundane ones).

How to write an article you can be proud of......
You're asking the wrong person. I can't even select my own article that I'd be proud of. Actually I don't even think any of my articles are worth much. Not much to brag about here unfortunately.
Writing stuff on my blog has always been about writing what I like. Or just because I love writing (despite my lacks of skills in writing good mind blowing articles).

I can't write comedy. I can't even write informative pieces. All I ever right is... anything that I want. Different people will view my post differently. However, if I don't find my words impressive, I doubt anyone out there would. There was a time in high school that I wrote a story that even made me impressed with myself. I woke up at 4am fingers itching to write and voila, I made a story. It was exhilarating but it never came again.

TheOatmeal is a cartoonist and a writer that I respect. He has a way with words... very funny most of the time but there's a sense of seriousness in his words (once in a while) that captures your attention. I also like Malcolm Gladwell (i have all his books but only finished reading one. pathetic I know) but I think Muhammad Asad's book 'Road to Mecca' is the most well written book I've ever read. There was a chapter in his book where he was just describing the empty desert and his singing friend and I could clearly picture it. Right there and then, his words touched me and fed my imagination. I'd love to be able to write like that.

For now I'll just stick to writing what I like. Just simply writing (in this case, typing).

Alhamdulillah