Losing self; Life and Excuses

Bismillah

Lately I've been neglecting the Quran. I don't know how many times I told myself I'll pick it up and read. I'll make sure I will read it today. Al-Kahf! I need to read it with nana as well. Sigh.
Even my prayers are not as good as they felt before. Something's probably wrong with me. Going home feeling tired isn't good at all. I can't seem to enjoy my Solah more. Maybe I should take showers before solah to freshen up. Any suggestions?
I'm still affected by the 'Sabah time'. Here 10pm feels like midnight and 4:30am is already Subuh!
I've been here for a month and I'm still not adjusting well to this time schedule. If I sleep after 10pm it'll be impossible for me to wake up for Qiam (which is almost every night). I only could do tahajjud the last time I tried. After that I kind of just crawled back into bed.


I can't wait to earn my own pay. Then I can take trips to KL to attend Islamic Courses there. There aren't much (if any) in Sabah and it's kind of difficult to attend night or morning talks. In the morning I have to work and at night my dad doesn't like it when his daughters go out. So it's so difficult for me to plan (let alone find) any talks or courses here. Plus hard to get transport (especially since my house only got one car and public transport here sucks) Sobs. Maybe I should pick up an Islamic book to feed my soul.

My friend asked if I'd like to study abroad. Heck yeah! But I'm scared to live overseas. There is the fact that I'm unwilling to leave my parents at the moment but it's also partially because I'm kind of scared to live so far away from Malaysia (call it my comfort zone. whatever).

I'm planning to one day go on a Korean farming work programme. It's suppose to be for 2 months but that's later in the future. I can't really go anywhere now. Plus as my mum said, "Take it one at a time. Too much and you won't be able to accomplish anything." First thing first is ACCA. Better to take it in Malaysia and save up some cash. Adibah told me to try get scholarship but seriously I suck at getting them and I don't think I deserve it. Not only because of my lack of knowledge but also my lack of passion and the fact that there are probably more people out there that desperately needs scholarship.
Excuses just keep coming don't they? I can't even confirm my ACCA classes what more studying overseas and obtaining scholarship (Adibah do you REALLY think I'm scholarship material? REALLY? Cause I don't think so)

I'll just stick to my plans for now but I love the fact that Adibah keeps giving me so many options. It's like if my world used to be a one way yellow brick road, she made more rainbow roads for me. hahaha.
For that I love you Adibah (uhibbukum fillah). Hope Allah S.W.T. bless you and the road you've chosen. May it lead you to Him. I miss Nurul, Athirah, Kak Ain, Farhana and all my friends. May Allah S.W.T. bless them all as well.
Hard to keep in contact with them. Maybe I should start spamming their mailbox. Like with actually letters. None of that electronic stuff ya know?

Alhamdulillah